Everyone should stick to their "thing."  I know a girl from college who always wore panty hose to class like she was miss frigging thing.  Her "thing" was being professional.  She was wise beyond her years. 

My  "thing" has always been geek girl.  I've been geek girl since I was 8.  So WHY oh WHY does she have these little fun "geek girl" facts on her facebook account like she's all geek chic? 

You can tell I haven't had my morning coffee yet.  Because this is the dumbest thing in the world to be mad about.

Coffee.

Stolen from angrybadger:

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

After being in Connecticut for the weekend, this apartment hardly feels like home.  Maybe it's because I'm older, but I'm feeling less rebellious than I once did.  Going out and exploring the world with only a single friend doesn't always seem as fun as it used to be.   I will post details from the weekend in another post soon.

The great part about moving back to Connecticut is that I'd be near a lot of the people who are important to me.  I think the #1 reason I'd want to be there is because of my grandmother.  I do feel a little guilty for being so far away from her during her older years (though she's doing great, health-wise) but I want to be around for selfish reasons.  I want to hang with her, cook with her, laugh with her, shop for $1 knick-knacks at the Christmas Tree Shop with her. 

The second greatest part of being back in Connecticut are connections.  I would be able to find a much better fit of a job there.  My mom's family is very connected to locals in non-profits and I'm sure I could get a job doing something I'd enjoy. 

The third greatest part would be the familiarity of the area.  Being able to drive around and say "Oh, I've been here before."  Or knowing if I got bored, I could drive into New Haven and just walk around by Yale.  It's no Boston, but it's beautiful, historic, comfortable and familiar.

Another great part would be the plethora of activities at my disposal.  Between Adam and I, I think people really like us.  (Wow, how's that for self-absorbed?)  But it's true.  I have a few friends hanging around back home and so does Adam.  They're always like "Let's do something!" and  we always can't.  But if given the opportunity, I think we would develop a large social circle. 

Given the last statement, I could probably twist it around and make it a negative.  One of the most unhealthy yet comforting benefits of living here is that we can both avoid social situations.  Neither of us loves to go out or have superficial conversation with people we don't really like much.  So if we lived closer to old friends, there wouldn't be much of an excuse to avoid parties, events, etc.

Another positive and negative is family. I know both our families would want us to live closer so we could drop by.  But I'm pretty sure that might drive me insane. 

Cost of living is another huge drawback of moving back up north.  We'd never be able to buy a house. 

I'm going to end this entry because there's really no point.  We're here.  It's not like we're in a financial place to move back up north anyway.  And so it goes...

How the hell did I get here?  What am I doing with my life?

I think it's important to examine your own behaviors and wonder why you are this way.  But when does careful introspection become obsessively living in your own head?

This weekend was really fun!  Saturday we had these crazy rain storms that lasted most of the day.  I really wanted to lay out at the pool to get a tiny bit of color but it was practically BLACK outside for most of the day.  Adam and I spent the afternoon on the couch watching TV and hanging out.  Sometimes it's nice to have days like that.   I was freaking out a little about seeing my family the next day, so it was nice to have time to lay down and think about things. 

I'm always very nervous about what people think of me.  My aunts (dad's sisters) are really important to me and I constantly worry if I'm making them proud.  These career-driven successful women want the same lifestyle for me, but I'm just not into it right now.  It would really make them mad to know I quit my job.  (You know, maybe it wouldn't.  But I always think it would.)  So I freaked about lying to them and telling them I was still working in publishing.  What helped me feel better was when I thought of my grandmother.  SHe always says "Screw everybody else- do what's best for you!"  And she totally means it.  We have very similar worry-oriented personalities and it's taken a lot of doctors to help her say that.  Man, I love her.

Saturday night we ventured out for a red tank top, pizza and beer.  I tried Trattoria de Napoli on Rt 40 in Bear-- excellent!  Probably the best pizza I've had in Delaware.  While I was waiting for the pizza man to make me my pie, I took a walk outside in the parking lot and rested on a park bench.  While snacking on leftover swedish fish from last week's movie, a tiny kitten came out from behind the building and wouldn't stop meowing at me.  SHe was obviously a stray and had some serious ear issues (looked all yucky and missing some fur).  It totally broke my heart.  I almost started crying.  I probably would've scooped her up and brought her home if Adam hadn't convinced me not to.  I'm pretty sure Roxy would've totally lost it on the poor thing.  Plus, who knows what kinds of sicknesses, etc. she had.  Still, I named her Stella and was forlorn for the rest of the night.    I was going to name her Loretta Castorini but Adam said it was too long.  I still wish I went to get her, but I can't afford the shots and I really can't be running a zoo here.  I'm going to look into calling a local no-kill shelter to see if they can get her.  Poor Stella.

Saturday night I could not sleep at all.  I watched probably 5 episodes of Sex and the City and half of Maid in Manhattan. 

Yesterday morning we got up early and got the dogs off to the kennell.  Then we headed to Baltimore to meet up with my family for a Red Sox game.  I'd never been to an away game before and never realized how many Sox fans would travel.  The entire Inner Harbor was filled with people in SOx shirts.  I think I saw one Orioles fan the entire time I was there.  At Camden Yards there was definitely a more representative population of those from "Birdland" but we still outnumbered them.  Brunch was great, company was great, met some cool people, ate some delicious snacks and headed home with an awful sunburn.  Last night I was in so much pain!  I tried putting vinegar on my burn but that stung a LOT!  Finally I settled on having the fan blow on me.  I also fell asleep with my eyes open, which freaked Adam out.  I didn't even know I could do that.

Tonight Adam leaves for a trade show in NYC.  He'll be back on Thursday.  Friday we drive to Southbury for his uncle's party on Saturday.  I wanted to hang with Annie but I'm not sure that'll happen.  Moe also told me about Frank Sinatra night on Wooster Street.  I got soo excited!  Then Adam said we can't go because it's rude.  I'm SO not looking forward to the weekend.

I love getting advice about how to raise/train my dogs from people who don't have any pets.  I don't care how many episodes of The Dog Whisperer you've seen--  you're not an expert!

The second half of my weekend was just as nice as the first.  Sunday was filled with a trip to the dog park followed by some errands and galavanting.  I'm so impressed with Roxy's sociability at the dog park!  Normally she is very shy around humans but she tollerated them well. 

I have never let her off the leash before.  Normally I wouldn't be too concerned, but she was a wild dog.  I was very concerned she might just run away and go back to her days of hunting, but she ended up staying with everyone else.   Every few minutes she'd run back to me to kind of say "Look at me, Mom!  I'm having so much fun!" 

Because she is a hunting dog, she is constantly rolling around in other smells in order to "fool" her prey.  I never understood that about her until Adam explained it to me.  Needless to say, she needed a bath after our day out-- she'd rolled her face in mud by the lake! 

The rest of the day was spent running errands in Newark.  First we went to Boscovs to buy Adam some more under shirts and socks.  During our travels from men's clothing to men's underwear, we came across the display for Crocs.  Adam, for whatever reason, wanted to try them on.  We'd both heard about them and have friends who wear them, but neither of us knew what the fuss was about.  What I did not expect was what came next.  Adam wanted to buy them!  We decided to wait on it, mostly because we didn't end up buying anything else.

We bought a bolt at Home Depot (I'm so exciting!), some enzymatic cleaner for the doggie pee, and then we did a bit of browsing at EMS.  They did not have the Merrell's that either of us wanted so it was a quick trip.  Our last stop was Best Buy, where I got new ram for my macbook!  It went from having about 500 mb to having 2 gb!  It's like a new machine!  I can now run multiple programs at once without major delays!  Goodbye prolonged color wheel!  Hello productivity!

Yesterday I was a little crabby.  I'm not sure why, but I was really irritated by everything Adam was doing.   In the morning I was washing dishes, so I turned the water on and the faucet just fell off.  I literally broke the metal into two different pieces, so I was pretty mad at myself.  I'm also very curious how I did this with such little force.  Maybe I'm superhuman.

I took a nap and felt better afterward.  Adam and I took a ride back to Boscovs and bought matching Crocs (dorks!) and then went to the dollar store for candy.  Our final destination was the movies, where we caught an early showing of Iron Man.  What a great movie!  I will definitely buy that when it comes out on DVD! 

This week I am supposed to be working on things and life, but I feel really sick today!  I hope this isn't the beginning of a bug or something.  I have some congestion and a headache and I feel very nauseous.   Luckily I just found out I have the entire month of June to get my car ready for inspection, not 5 more days like I originally thought. 

I also need to make an appointment at the gyno to get my insides inspected-- one thing I'm not looking forward to.  Though after everything else I've been through, that should be a picnic.  Sunday I am going to Baltimore for a Red Sox game with Moe and Mike.  I'm super excited!  I think I might try to find a red tank top to wear, though, because my sox shirt is so big and old. 

For now I'm off to do some filing at my desk.  Then I might just keel over and die.  *achoo*

My cousin, Lyn, is having a baby.  I'm not sure when she's due but her shower is on June 21.  I won't be attending (Thank God- I hate those things) but I will be sending along a gift.

I want to buy something fun.  I've checked Uncommon Goods and Red Envelope, but nothing is really striking me.  I want it to be kind of interesting (not something every old person buys) but also not too sarcastic, either.

Ideas?

Our apartment is pretty good about keeping our neighbors' sounds out.  The one area it lacks in is the bathroom.  When I am brushing my teeth and doing my normal routine, I can hear the apartment next to me turn on the water, step around the shower, and move the shower curtain. 

I'm tempted to yell "You're Naked!" just to freak him/her out.

Tonight I was watching a Tivoed episode of Greek (guilty pleasure) and Deputy Leo from Veronica Mars was a guest star (as another character).

I've been craving pizza and beer lately.  Once I'm back to 100%, I can't wait to continue my quest for decent Delaware pizza!

Last night/Tired
Last night I planned to go to sleep early-- say, around 10.  That way I could start today early and refreshed.  I find the only days I am truly productive are the ones where I get up before anyone else is around to distract me.  Even now, having the house to myself, I still need to get up at 5:30/6 in order to get things done.  Don't ask me why, I wish I knew.   It has something to do with my nature.  I have something in me-- don't know how to describe what it is.  But the basic principles that are programmed into me say this:  I must do things first before they are due or before they need to be done.  If I let them go-- even for an hour, a day, whatever, it becomes increasingly harder to get them done.  Additionally, I should (and do) beat myself up over not doing these things in a timely-- more like a proactive-- fashion.

Unfortunately this "thing" programmed into me is really hard to follow.  As a result, I'm constantly disappointing myself. 

Anyway, the point of this topic is to discuss last night.  I thought I'd be sleeping early but I was watching a movie that went til 11.  Then I cleaned up a bit and set the coffee pot for the morning.  I was all about being proactive to have a great, productive day tomorrow (today).  I climbed into bed and layed down for a bit.  I tried to fall asleep but Roxy kept bugging me.  She was constantly jumping out of bed and she refuses to sleep in her kennel/bed lately.  I was paranoid she'd do something to the house while I wasn't looking, so I kept calling her and going to get her.  Finally, I took her out for a quick pee. 

Each of our neighbors has a patio, either facing the parking lot or back.  Ours faces the parking lot, and so does a variety of other apartments (every even # i think).  Anyway, as I'm walking Roxy, I pass the ground-floor patio.  There's an older man there who says hi.  He's really nice and is retired.  He plants gorgeous hanging baskets and has ugly floral-print furniture I can see through the window.  Anyway, he lights up a joint!  I was so surprised and thought it was hilarious.  Not because I've never seen someone in an older demographic light up, but because I'd smelled pot before and only assumed it was one of the younger neighbors in our building.  I NEVER would've guessed the guy with the license plate that says "God is my Pilot" would be the guy smoking!  Who knows, maybe he has cancer or something.  Or maybe he's just laid back. 

Back to my lame complaint/story.  I get back into the apartment and lay down again.  I decide to watch some episodes of random stuff on the Tivo and fall asleep again.  When I turn the tv off, Roxy starts looking out the window and barking at random nothings in the parking lot.  So I turned the TV back on in order to kind of drown out the noise.  I try to sleep and do a little, but nto for long.  At 3:30, Pilsner walks into my bedroom and sits next to the bed.  This means he needs to go out.  So I take them both out (Can't leave Roxy home alone or she gets scared and barks like a rooster).  When we get in, he's acting weird and starts randomly barking and whining.  I sit with both dogs on the couch until Pil is asleep and once again try to sleep. 

I woke up again at 6:30 and have been up since.  I'm exhausted but for whatever reason can't sleep.  It's getting hotter already so I want to try to take a nap before it's a million degrees, but I'm not sure it'll be happening.  This entry is kind of a way for me to do SOMETHING while I lie here and relax.

This morning I went to the new apartment and took some measurements and marked off the location of all outlets on my floor plan!  I'm getting really excited.  We get our keys on Tuesday night and move with the truck on Wednesday! 

Nothing is packed, so I should probably go try to do that now.
Bye!

ps:  it's 74 right now!  WOWZERS SPRING!
pps:  I have never been to Machu Picchu

Moving
Last night Adam sold his 52" TV.  I was sad to see it go, but we've got a good one on the way.  Later in the night, I started to get a little freaked out.  Looking into what once was the "home entertainment room,"  I saw nothing but a sleeping dog, a lonely couch and a few bookcases.  There was even an echo in the room. 

I'm not sure why this upset me so much, but I'm getting very nervous for a big change.  We're moving in 6 days.  Nothing is packed, however now we have 1 less TV to move.  Adam has reassured me that everything will go smoothly, though he predicts I'll be yelling my head off at him at some point.  Logically, I know things will be fine.  But I'm not enjoying this. 

As much as I'm freaking out about not being packed, I'm equally as nervous to, once again, carry all my belongings to a new place.  I'm not sure how I'll feel when the apartment is empty.  This was my "safe house," so to speak, when I was helpless and lost.  And as much as I've healed and grown more confident, I'm still as lost as ever.

Being Lost
I'm lost.  But I think everybody is.  Maybe not my parents, who don't allow themselves to open up and consider possibilities other than their current situation.  But most of us have no idea what we're doing.  Every time I get nervous to call a business or make a left hand turn in front of traffic (at a safe distance, of course), I remind myself that nobody REALLY knows what they're doing.  It's all chance.  Everybody does the same things and feels the same way I do to a certain degree.

If my uneasiness is so intense from a call to a post office, you can only imagine how unnerving it is to have a career opportunity in front of me.  I can do anything I want to do, but I'm finding it hard to have a passion.  The things I enjoy doing aren't really things I can do for money.  The one thing that I would REALLY like to do is type.  I know it sounds silly but to put on a pair of headphones and transcribe what's being said gives me so much of a sense of accomplishment.  I'm good at it, I can do it extremely quickly, and at the end of the day I have a pile of documents to show for myself.   The problem is that most companies that need people to type are either very small and pay like crap (thanks again, crappy economy) or they're large and outsource to agencies that specialize in these things.  I've looked into the agencies, but they require that you work from home and have an FTP server.  I'm not sure I'm 100% ready for that without at least a crash course.

I'm not sure why I 'm making this into such a big deal.  It's okay to not know what I want to do.  It's perfectly acceptable to get a job doing whatever while I explore the possible passions I might have.  I'm only 22.  The trick is finding that "whatever" job to keep me appeased while I explore other options.  Or just enjoy life. 

I think I'm very hard on myself.  I feel directionless, helpless and lost.  My other ideal job is doing PR for a non-profit.  If I could get my foot in the door I'd be golden.  The problem is, again, thanks to the economy, many of these organizations are seeking out more volunteers and part-time employees to save them money. 

Self-Awareness (maybe?)
After skimming this entry, I'm a little upset with myself.  If I was reading this posting by someone else, I'd say "Stop feeling bad for yourself!  Don't make excuses!  You can find SOMETHING.  You're qualified.  You CAN be confident if you force yourself.  You CAN step out of the box and follow through."  I also might think "You're lazy!" but I wouldn't say that to any friend or stranger.  But in my case, it's probably true.

I psych myself out too much.  I give myself this idea that it's not worth putting myself out there because I'm scared of (1) being rejected (again) or (2) being interviewed. 

But this is life.  And unfortunately for me, we have to make some type of mark on the world to survive.  So as much as I would love to stay in a protected bubble, away from the world and all the scary things lurking around, I need to take down the shield and allow myself to be vulnerable.

As a side note, as I was writing that last sentence, I looked up the synonyms for "vulnerable."  One of the words I came across was "helpless."  It's ironic that a word I described as a hindrance to me earlier in this posting is actually exactly what I need to become in order to survive.  Go figure.

Stay tuned for another posting about:
The South and Corporate Brainwashing!

I want to be able to measure time by cups of tea, rather than my shrinking available balance.  

Facts about yours truly, per Andi's request....

Sometimes certain themes in life become abundantly clear to me.  Today, this one really got me.  I need to start believing that the less I know, the better.  It is of course always good to be educated and stay on top of current events and things of that nature.  But when it comes to prying or investigating into matters that don't concern me, I truly need to stop.

Here is what I mean:

Sometimes I get curious about people who buy books from us or who request catalogs.  Once I googled a guy's company to find out he sells porn on ebay.  Today, I found a prisoner who wanted a catalog of ours.  I googled his name and found out what he did.  Here's a brief part of the article I read:

"XXX will spend at least 40 years in prison for killing his ex-girlfriend and her mother at their East El Paso home. XXX, 25, did not receive the death penalty for the June 2000 killings of Kristin Dibler, 20, and Bel Air High School teacher Carroll Dibler, 55, because, after eight hours of deliberation, the jurors who convicted him of capital murder said Thursday that they could not agree on whether he would be a continuing threat to society. "

So here I am, going on my merry way, corresponding with a murderer.